Childhood Memories

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2020

When a man is trying to seduce me, I always want to call my parents and shout in panic: help, sos, mayday, this man wants to rape me!!! And the man does not have to want me to lick his armpits or toe sucking, it can be only flirt. I just didn’t have time to realize at what particular moment someone other than mom and grandma had got access to my ass. Although I was deeply shocked when grandmother’s friend called my genitals "cock", but honestly only my father could really shock me. When I once in my childhood saw his dick, adoration was replaced by disgust. I was frightened by this shady, blood muck from a butcher’s shop, and pissed off of the realization that soon I was going to have exactly the same thing.

My parents fought for my attention and it made me jealous dad to mom, but above all mom to dad. One of the main grievances of the childhood was related to her unwillingness to kiss my lips! And dad definitely did not add his rating when he shoved the soup into my mouth and then, after I puked some of it into my plate, made me swallow what I had puked together with a thick jelly of tears and snot. However, on Sundays I forgave him, because he offered me a never disappointing entertainment: a breakfast in a cafe, a trip to the zoo, or a bus ride through the city. He could buy my love pretty easily. I didn’t go to kindergarten and after the death of my grandmother I spent all the time at work with one of the parents. An office is a place without candy, so I ate sugar cubes for tea or chew nasty mint gum.

The older I get, the more "parent world" seems to be the realm of incredible human squalor. And being absolutely broken, in such cases I come to a conclusion that not only for all talents and beauty, but also for all bad and unpleasant qualities that are in me, I am obliged only to them. Why couldn’t they use a condom? In the choice between "to be or not to be", I choose "not to be". Because, what the sense of my existence?