In Spite of the Horoscopes

Being very much obsessed with his new crush, Seraphim was trying to find more and more information by typing the guy’s name and his different nicknames into the search bar. A Twitter scandal with a famous journalist three years ago and a couple of mentions in independent zines, a picture of Taylor having just arrived in New York, posing on a Brooklyn roof, a cozy Polaroid shot from his first job at a cafe, shots from parties and a huge amount of sexy pics in underwear. The only way to discern the old ones from the new was by the number of tattoos and the shape of his muscles. On some of them, the contents of the guy's underpants looked so heavy that it added weight to Seraphim's crotch.

They didn't talk to each other. Meeting at a party and a stupid flirtation, then Seraphim's unsuccessful confession of love and the subsequent series of his awkward attempts to make things right. All of that made Taylor move away from his dangerous maniac lover, ignore him in real life and block on social media. But, unluckily, feelings don't pass on a click.

It wasn’t exactly Seraphim’s plan to fall so recklessly in love. As soon as it happened, though, the unexpected desire to be with Taylor burned him from the inside out and turned his whole personality to ashes. Seraphim put his soul in Taylor’s hands and was ready to become a submissive slave, to fulfill any desire of his beloved, except one — to disappear. Seraphim didn’t know whom he couldn’t forgive more for the fact that the exalted impulse remained unanswered — Taylor or himself. He was tormented by conjectures, going over the facts again and again, thinking about how it all might have been, conducting incessant dialogues with himself, going from one state of mind to another in just a second. “Why didn’t he try to know me, to become a part of my life? Love was so close! And now I will have to start all over again.” Seraphim blamed Taylor for not noticing his loneliness, staying deaf to his screams — for not coming to save him like some bloody prince charming from a children’s fairy tale. Doubts were taking root in Seraphim’s heart. This kind of uncertainty drove crazy many romantics. Seraphim wanted to find an answer.

“How is he better than me?”

Seraphim was asking himself this question when he came across a photo of Taylor with his ex in a housing search Facebook group. A year ago, the guys were looking for an apartment and attached a cute selfie. They only lived together for a couple of months. At parties, Taylor was extremely cheeky: he kissed everyone on the dance floor, and some of these boys were taken to a restroom cabin. It seems unlikely that even a most progressive lover in an incredibly open and polyamorous relationship could appreciate that. Seraphim certainly wasn’t an angel either, but he was still confused by his beloved’s behavior. Or maybe just jealous.

The next post in the same community ex-couple posted when, having found a new apartment, they were then looking for a roommate. The name of the train station and the pictures of the view from the window were enough for Seraphim to detect the location. He felt a burning desire to see — at least from afar — the person with whom his crush would share his life some time ago. However, Seraphim abandoned the crazy idea. He was distracted by school, Christmas holidays, work, and his own move.

Virgo: listen patiently. Are you open to something new? Let in the changes in your heart, get rid of the old.

Life shuffles the cards unpredictably, and on a cool, sunny March day it turned out that the only bank office located close enough to his new home in East Williamsburg was right across the street from the house where the boys used to live. After cashing his check, Seraphim left the office and looked up at the third-floor windows of the building opposite. “My God, I don’t believe!”

For some reason, he had assumed that after the break up they had gone to different places, so this meeting took him by surprise. Taylor’s ex was sitting on the windowsill, smoking through the open window. Seraphim decided that this was his chance to learn more and ran into the entrance when one of the neighbors kindly, but not without obvious irritation, was holding the door for him. Seraphim photographed mailboxes with the names of residents, and in the evening began to enter each name in the Facebook search bar. The investigation did not last long, and he managed to find the right page almost immediately. “Fuck!” he said, laughing nervously. “Nelson Sanchez, 29 mutual friends... Fuck!”

Seraphim discovered that he had chatted with him a little on Instagram a few years ago. The object of surveillance was a real sad boy: poetry by Edgar Allan Poe, films by Xavier Dolan and melancholy posts about a lost love. The stalker’s curiosity was aroused to the limit! Now Seraphim was becoming even more interested in what had happened between Taylor and Nelson. He was sincerely imbued with the guy's experiences and began actively relating to publications in his blog.

Virgo: keep your eyes open. Someone might steal something from you.

The next evening, Seraphim went on duty under Nelson's windows. He wanted to see Nelson in his natural habitat again. The lights were on, but nothing was happening, and to ease the boredom he called his friend Andrea. They grew up together, went to music school together, and she was the first one to whom Seraphim revealed that he was gay.

“Guess what I'm doing now?”

“Jerking off?”

“I wish! I’ve almost frozen my ass off, but it's worth it: I’m spying.”

"Oh no, do you remember how it all ended when you were seventeen?.. Joey’s father wrote a police report to tell you not to ever get near him, and you got carried away just because you're a lucky bastard.”

“You mean you're not interested?” After a pause, Seraphim asked in a playful tone.

“Actually... Hell yes I am. Tell me!”

“It is Taylor's ex. It's a long story how I know the address, but I wanted to have a look at him. Understand what's wrong with me and why it's him and not me."

“So what have you found so far?” Andrea asked ironically.

“To be honest... Nothing.”

Andrea laughed. “Don't be a fool and go home.”

As soon as Seraphim hung up, Nelson came out of the bathroom. Wet black hair, a towel on his thighs, and an incredible thinness. He didn't look like fitness-loving Taylor at all. Seraphim used to think that gym sharks only meet their own kind. But if Taylor liked skinny brunettes, why not him? Seraphim wanted to find answers, but got even more questions.

This went on for two weeks, every night nothing special, and most of the time nothing at all. In the beginning of April he saw flashlights and a lot of people in Nelson’s windows. Deciding that this was his chance for a personal acquaintance, Seraphim plucked up his courage and used another neighbor to break into the building. “9:30 pm is too early to show up as an uninvited guest to a home party. They’re all probably still sober”, he thought, but the techno was already playing at full volume. Snatching some phrases in English and Spanish from behind the door, Seraphim could not find the right moment to knock, but suddenly My Sweet Prince by Placebo started playing and the first chords of the song went off like a sudden alarm clock: his hand made four loud bangs on the door. The music faded.

“Who's there?” And a brown eye appeared in the peephole.

“Hmm... Hi... I went to a friend's apartment downstairs, heard music, and wanted to ask... Is it techno?”

Of course, Seraphim was aware that Nelson was fond of electronic music. In fact, he had already googled all its genres.

“Yes, before that, techno was playing. And the last is Placebo.”

“Okay…” He took a deep breath and continued. “I know this is weird and you don't know me, but if you're having a party, can I join in?”

There was silence for a few seconds, and the door swung open. A group of people happily let the guy in, and the music started again.

“What's your name?”

“Seraphim. And yours is?”

“Nelson.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too.”

At 2:30 am everyone was either drunk or high. It so happened that the most persistent were the new acquaintances. For the last hour and a half, everything was gradually switching to a slow motion mode for the sake of their rapprochement. They pressed their lips together and roughly stuck their tongues into each other’s mouths, but the idyllic moment was interrupted by neighbors who were disturbed by loud sounds. “Have some decency here, you bastards! Almost three am! If you don't turn your shit off, we’re calling the cops”.

At the end of the party Seraphim and Nelson exchanged phone numbers.

“It was a pleasure to meet you! Do you have Insta?”

When Seraphim got home by Uber, he received a message from Nelson.

“Yes, but can we meet up sometime if you want to talk?”

“Yes, sure. But now it’s time to sleep. Good night.”

Seraphim rested for several days, being very happy with his own luck. But criminals always return to the scene of a crime and he wanted to check on Nelson. So one evening he decided to casually look into the windows of his new friend. Seraphim was staying at a bus stop right in front of the guy's bedroom when nobody else but Taylor himself appeared in the window naked to the waist. Surprise! Seraphim’s breath quickened and his heart began to beat unbearably fast. Frantically, he searched in his backpack for the phone to call Andrea.

“They're together again!”

“Brangelina?”

“No! Taylor and Nelson! He's in his bedroom! I can't believe my eyes!”

Virgo: listen patiently. Are you open to something new? Let in the changes in your heart, get rid of the old.

Seraphim laid alone in his room for several days, occasionally breaking off to sob and check Instagram. Taylor posted a photo of a huge bright moon, taken directly from that window. Seraphim did not want to give up and began to look for a place closer to them to rent. Luck was on his side: on the third floor of the building opposite, where the ground floor was taken by the bank office, a small room was available for rent. He immediately called the landlord and said that he was ready to move in any time. In the evening Seraphim signed the contract and got the keys. In a bag he brought clothes, a laptop, bed linen, his favorite toy and a pair of binoculars.

After midnight the boys turned on the neon red light in the bedroom. Having yanked off each other's clothes, they remained in their underwear and Nelson pushed Taylor onto the bed. Taylor gave his boyfriend a flirty glance, and Nelson tore off Taylor’s black briefs, then took off his boxers and began to kiss his entire body: chest, shoulders, every tattoo and mole (especially the ones in the lower abdomen). Seraphim almost felt he could hear his crush’s sweet moans. Taylor was spreading his legs wider and wider, burying his hands in his lover's hair and arching with pleasure. Nelson couldn’t wait more. He turned Taylor around on his back and began to gently nibble him on the neck. A minute later, he was confidently and hard fucking Taylor. Taylor's biceps were rolling, and beads of sweat were glistening on his muscles. He dug his fingers into the sheets and sometimes turned his head in the direction of the window, almost as if he’d wanted Seraphim to see his face tense and full of pleasure. They cum together as Taylor lay on his back with one leg over Nelson's shoulder and the other wrapped around his hip. Seraphim was excited and happy to see what he saw, but he wished to be a part of it rather than a mysterious voyeur. He longed to be the reason of these orgasms.

The guys began having sex too often, and Seraphim suspected that they had noticed him and decided to arrange a series of performances. Especially since Taylor paid too much attention to the window. But Seraphim didn't care. Seeing your boy in different positions right now was more important than any consequences.

Three days later, Andrea showed up unannounced. She had long wanted to stop by, but Seraphim delayed the meeting.

“Well... You look so masculine,” she said from the doorway, seeing Seraphim slightly unshaven. He put his arm around her and they went to his room. He was so caught up in his surveillance objects that completely forgot about food. Andrea had been thoughtful enough to bring him a few sandwiches and two liters of his favorite soda.

“You only moved here because of them?” Before Seraphim could respond, she continued. “Babe, this is absurd! They’re totally not worth your fucking attention!”

“Everyone has their own oddities and internal unbalances. Now I understand why people watch stupid reality shows like Are you The One? I'm having fun.”

“Honey, you haven't had food in days. You've lost weight and lost sleep. I'm afraid to ask what money you’re going to live on and what’s up with your job, because I see that your career has become stalking people.”

Seraphim looked up from the binoculars and looked at Andrea. The lights in the room had been turned off, and the streetlights lit up only the left side of his face, leaving the right one in darkness, but it was enough to see the tears coming.

“I love him so much,” he said, first breaking into a scream, then repeating the phrase in a barely audible whisper, and finally covering his face with his hands. Andrea took a breath to feel sorry for her friend, but Seraphim continued. “What on Earth is wrong with me? Why doesn't Taylor love me? I've never been jealous to anyone but Nelson, because he has him! They’re close. Nelson can hug, kiss, fuck him, but I can't. They watch movies and listen to music, laugh and cook dinner, and I’m absolutely alone in this world. I don't get invited to parties, I don't have any friends, and my parents in Texas have probably forgotten my name.”

“You have me.”

“Yes, but you can't be my boyfriend. And you keep saying that one day I will meet my prince and be happy, but it physically hurts me that no one has hugged me for a freaking long time!”

Andrea went to her crying friend and hugged him.

“I will kill them!” He blurted out suddenly.

Virgo: If you have to leave the shelter, avoid communicating with suspicious individuals.

And he really meant it. Scary is the one who has nothing to lose. The next day Seraphim found a man who sold weapons on the Internet and ordered a sniper rifle, as befits a real spy. This large-caliber weapon was a real monster with optics. As soon as the money was transferred, he was informed of the meeting place and told to come with a large sports bag.

Seraphim hatched a murder plan for several days, but one day a message came from Nelson.

“Hey, do you want to hang out? Me and my boyfriend are having a party tonight.”

“You didn't say you have a boyfriend lol”

“Honestly I didn't have a chance”

Seraphim was not responding for an hour and a half, examining their preparations through the scope. Taylor and Nelson were tidying the apartment thoroughly, giggling and splashing water on each other. Suddenly, Nelson took his phone out of his pocket and Seraphim immediately received a message.

“Well, you coming?”

“Go fuck yourself. Have fun with your boyfriend and leave me alone”

Seraphim read Taylor’s lips as he told Nelson “Fuck him” and they continued their preparations.

“Ah, so fuck me? That's exactly what you haven't’ done.” There was no limit to Seraphim’s fury. He wanted to go, but seeing them together would be unbearable. And Taylor would probably throw him out the door. Meanwhile, the guys turned on the light music and were behaving like lovebirds. Seraphim was sobbing hysterically and scratching his face.

Waking up in the late afternoon, he decided that he would definitely kill them both tonight. Seraphim wanted to give them death on one day, and then commit suicide. An hour passed, then two more. Nelson was home alone, watching TV. Patience had run out. The victim was sitting motionless, the view was perfect. Seraphim decided that it was his time to act. He opened the window and aimed the scope directly at Nelson’s forehead. “Taylor runs home happy to his lover, and there is his corpse with a hole in his forehead.” The idea to kill one physically and the other mentally Seraphim liked even more. As he braced himself and squeezed the trigger a little, he suddenly felt the cold muzzle of someone's gun at the back of his head.

“Surprise, bitch”, Taylor said.

“What?.. But how?” Seraphim asked in perplexity.

“You think that you're the smartest, don't you? That no one has seen you? That our mutual friends haven’t noticed you hanging around here all the time? You've been in my sights as much as I've been in yours.”

A few seconds of silence and Seraphim began to sob. “Please, dear, I love you so much. If you can't be with me, please let me live with memories of you.”

“You wrote to me that you wanted to die so that you could become a ghost and always stay near me. I'm going to provide you that opportunity.”

“Why can't you give it to me alive?”

Police suddenly burst into the room. It was called by the owner of the apartment, concerned about the showdown. Both men pulled the trigger out of surprise, and both missed. Taylor shot Seraphim in the back, and Seraphim’s bullet flew directly to the wall of the house opposite. Nelson was not injured, bystanders escaped with fright. The ambulance took them both away. Seraphim passed out from the shock, while Taylor was suffering unbearable emotional distress. Seraphim did not recover, although doctors fought to the last. His heart stopped twenty-four hours later. Taylor was admitted to a psychiatric hospital with delusions of persecution and hallucinations.